I Feel More Alive Under Pressure

With all the messages out there telling people how to relax and unwind, I have had enough of that lately. I work best and am happiest when I am handling a big project and have a deadline to meet that is fast approaching.

I have been missing all the business of being busy. I like it when I am frantically managing a few projects at one time. I like to be writing up an invoice, helping customers find fabric and getting a package ready to ship out all in the same day. But now, I don’t have to.

Now, I’m retired. I am still taking some small jobs just for the fun of it and because I work for my own self. I really don’t have to quit. I can keep things going full speed, if I wanted to.

I do have two projects underway. One is to make 25 laboratory gowns for the staff at an Endodontic’s office. I just finished 25 white gowns for the doctors. Now, I will be making blue for staff.

It took me two days to cut all the pieces I need and now I am beginning to sew. I like doing everything assembly-line fashion. I expect the job to be fully completed in 2-3 weeks.

Focus is key to stay on track and discipline to make sure I take the time I need each day in my sewing room. I do like it though when I have a boss or someone in charge, pushing me harder. In a way, without saying anything, my husband does that for me unconsciously. When I see him working hard, then I want to or tell myself that I should be doing something too, to contribute to the family.

I think I am a bit of a competitor but I don’t like competition. Does that make any sense? I will compete with someone if they challenge me, but I won’t take big risks to win the prize. If it meant I had to jump a hurdle, I would let the other person win. I was like that when I played softball too. I never slid into a base even if it meant winning the game so my teammate could make it home for the final score.

I am not sure what that says about me but I think within the next few months I am going to try and figure this out. I have been in between a rock and a hard place for far too long. I don’t want to take another job. I do like retirement, yet, hate feeling useless.

I know I am not useless and these thoughts are all just in my own head. My husband is tiling our kitchen backsplash today and I did offer to make him a coffee after all. I am sitting here writing this post too. That may be useful to someone. My plants are happy I watered them today. I will be going up to sew, make my bed, maybe throw in a load of laundry. It sounds like none of those things were useless.

I guess I measure usefulness by bringing in money for the family. That is just silly I know, but because I was a single parent for 15 years before I married again, I think it is built into my DNA now. I sometimes went to three different part-time jobs in one day.

I think what I need is people in my life. Not only family members visiting or calling, but traffic to my website, neighbors stopping by. It has been too quiet with everyone staying home because of the China virus. I know I have some control of much of what I am complaining about. I just have to decide if I am going to do what it takes to change things, and if not, figure out why not.

I think I need to zero in on what it is I want to do for the next stage of my life and then invest in that. Invest the time, talent and effort into that goal. Sometimes it is hard knowing because you like too many things. I have to let some of these things go and I think I know now what it is I am going to let go of to get me to the next step.

I really don’t want to make cushion covers and pillows anymore. I really don’t want very big orders from customers anymore. It has become a drag. I really do want to run a store online, continue to make my doll clothes, maybe do a short demo video for my website.

It would be fun to meet some new friends and get some feedback or hear some positive news from my family. We all need some hope, we need to laugh again, we need to be encouraged. Maybe I have spent too much time in the gutter and have to push myself a little harder. It is in my hands, in my head and in my heart already, what God has prepared for me to do today.

One day at a time. What is nice about writing and blogging is that I get to share my thoughts with strangers. I get my thoughts out of my head and then I can do the next thing that comes to my mind to take me where I should be. Let’s just wait and see what comes of these thoughts tomorrow.

Have a good day!

Published by cushn4

I like to write for the pure enjoyment of writing short excerpts about life in general. I would want my writing to bring inspiration or encouragement to the faint-hearted or those looking for some direction, purpose, or meaning. I am searching daily for what it is God wants me to do and who he wants me to become. It is a growing pain for me. We all have something new we can learn and share with others.

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